Trusting in the Lord: My Journey from Anxiety to Surrender as a New Mom

“I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done.”(‭‭Psalms‬ ‭9‬:‭1‬)

For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a mother. Those who know me well will share that statement too; before they knew anything else about me, they knew I wanted to be a mom. I've always loved caring for children: being with them makes me happy. Having children someday was a great desire of mine. I'm sitting here looking at my precious baby boy as I type this post. My heart is just so full; I can't thank God enough, and I praise Him for this gift. I am truly living in the reality of my dream of becoming a mother. I had no idea my heart could handle this much love for a person.

After we brought him home from the hospital, time seemed to absolutely fly by. I tried to soak in all the moments as much as I could. He was (and still is) growing and changing daily. Although these changes were incredible, I, unfortunately, became so anxious and worried.

When we got home, I remember my husband, Michael, and I staring at our baby and being in awe, but also realizing we had a whole baby (it was a running joke for us; of course we know babies don't come in halves). It felt as though everything I had learned from the hospital and in nursing school went out the window now that we were home, just the two of us and our newborn. While still in his car seat, I placed him underneath the Christmas tree; I wanted to capture his very first moments at home. I remember standing there, the anxious thoughts started rushing through my mind. The anxiety and worry went on for about two weeks.

I worried if he was going to be ok. During the day, I would worry about the nighttime. I would be worried if I would be able to tell if something was wrong with him. I would stare at him and begin crying because of the fear of him not being ok. The thought of anything bad happening to him made me cry. I cried when I thought about my abilities as his mother; I felt as though I wasn't good enough to be a great mother to him. My thoughts were clouded with negativity. I worried about his future. All of these thoughts were so overwhelming. The constant worrying was making me miss moments because it was hard to be fully present.

Before we became parents, Michael and I always talked about how, whenever we had children, those children would belong to the Lord, and that we were temporal stewards of them. As we would pray for our future children, we would dedicate them to the Lord. So, when we became pregnant, over and over again we dedicated our son to Him.

 One evening, after Michael had finished praying over me, he brought up the story of Abraham and Isaac; and later that week, I was speaking with a friend about how I had been feeling and she shared with me that the story of Abraham and Isaac was her go-to story when her children were young. I was reading “My First Bible” to my son one evening and one of the stories I read was, yes you guessed it right, Abraham and Isaac. I knew instantly I needed to make time to study and meditate on this! So, I did.

I've always loved reading this passage. It is one of my favorite Bible stories. What we learn from this passage is that God Almighty asked Abraham to take his only son, Isaac, and sacrifice him as a burnt offering (Gen 22:2).

I believe Abraham must have felt shocked and confused, but he didn't hesitate or question the Lord. He did exactly what the Lord had asked of him. He immediately obeyed by waking up early the next day to prepare for the journey (Gen 22:3). He trusted that the Lord would provide the sacrifice; he didn't know how, but he simply trusted (Gen 22:8). I believe Abraham was able to do so because he had already given Isaac to the Lord. He understood he was a steward, and Isaac was the Lord's child. He trusted in God's promises. This is why he did not delay with his obedience to offer his son to the Lord as a burnt offering.

Although God is not asking us to offer burnt offerings, He is asking for our hearts. All that we care about must be surrendered to the Lord. From studying this passage, I was reminded that I had not truly surrendered everything to the Lord. The posture of my heart was not aligning with the words of surrender I professed prior to the arrival of my son. I believe we must constantly come to the Lord in surrender over and over again whenever we feel as though something is taking the place of Him in our hearts. 

How can we surrender our lives daily to God? Praying to the Lord about our struggles, sharing those struggles with our community, and being in His word. We must also put on the whole armor of God daily (Ephesians 6:11). These things should not be substituted. Our enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). It is crucial for us to not be in our heads or be isolated while struggling with such a heavy feeling of anxiety. If we are not meditating on the word of God, we will be led astray. His words truly keep us planted by streams of water. Matthew 6:27 tells us that being anxious does not add a single hour to our lives. There is no benefit to being anxious; it's useless to do so. It robs us of peace and from fully enjoying the present moment which is a gift.

In closing, Michael reminded me of a simple and powerful truth. He said, “The breath in our lungs is a gift from the Lord. We do not have to think about breathing; it just happens. We can think it's our alarm clock that wakes us up every morning, but in fact it's only by the grace of God. It is that same grace that wakes our son up! He is the same God who puts the breath in our son’s lungs”. This has truly helped me surrender my fears to the Lord. While I believe parents will always have some level of worry about the well-being and safety of their child, it is crucial that we don't allow it to turn into fear that cripples us from enjoying all the moments.

 “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock,”( Isaiah 26:3-4).

Peace is an attribute of the Lord’s very person and character. Therefore there is no true peace apart from Him. He is the one who keeps us in perfect peace. All we need to do is trust in Him. There is safety in trusting the Lord with our lives and the lives of our children. So, when I think there are all these things “I” must do to make sure nothing ever happens to our child, I know I am carrying a burden that will only crush me. Because it is the Lord who cares for me day and night, I know this is true for my child as well. Hallelujah!!

The Lord is always at work: molding and shaping us for His purpose and His glory. I am grateful that He used those weeks to remind me to surrender my cares to Him. I am grateful to have incredible women of God who prayed for me constantly during those rough weeks and continue to do so. I am thankful for their gracious and wise counsel. Also, I am beyond grateful for my amazing husband who constantly showers me with prayers and support. I praise God for choosing Michael and me to steward this child, our sweet boy MJ. I praise the Lord for how He has blessed us.